Faking the Male Orgasm

I had my first sexual relationship about seven or eight years ago.   It wasn’t exactly a healthy relationship, based mainly on jealousy, lies and mutual mistrust.   Of course how many teenagers are emotionally developed enough to act differently,  but the cherry on the cake was that the sex did absolutely nothing for me.   Nothing for a hormonal 15 year old teenage boy, nothing.

However, not wanting to upset my partner at the time, and by that I mean avoid any possible conflict, I came up with a whole manner of excuses as to why I did not ejaculate.

“I had a dry orgasm”
“The condom must have absorbed it”

and my personal favourite

“I think it would be ungentlemanly for me to come in front of you”

Yet even those inspirational brush offs were beginning to grow old.   I had to come up with something new, something fresh and so…

I admit I faked the male orgasm.

Now, this is not an easy task, in fact it takes some preparation to achieve.   The day before the coitus, I went to a pub that served food and swiped a few of those single serving packets of mayonnaise.    I’m sure you can guess as to where I am going with this.   My plan being to use them in lieu of seminal fluid.

The next obstacle I had to overcome was where to hide it, being that I’d have to be naked when we bumped our genatlia.    In the end I opted to tape it behind my leg, a folly I did not fully appreciate until the moment came to tear it, and a substantial portion of my body hair, off.    It did on the other hand help with making the “O” face.

The final part of the operation was the most difficult.   In in order for the deception to work I had to squeeze the packet into the condom without her noticing and accomplish this with only one hand. The other obviously being used to avert her attentions elsewhere. In the end I discovered I had to squeeze small portions in “mid-rhythm” so to speak.

But it was successful, my lady friend was fooled, my orgasm  convincingly faked.

I later realised that if she was blindfolded and handcuffed I wouldn’t have the considerable logistical problems, and that ladies and gentlemen is how I became interested in kinky sex.

About tellingfibulas

Lukewarmest thing to tip its toe into Glasgow comedy
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3 Responses to Faking the Male Orgasm

  1. lol, a packet of mayo.

    Fair to say, it’s creative! :)

  2. teags says:

    Good thing you didn’t accidentally grab some ketchup…

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