Fairy Awful

I tried my hand at writing a childrens’ fairy tale, here is the result.
I’m going to apologise before you even start.

Once upon a time,
Over the hills and far away,

There was a girl, well a woman, but let’s just say girl it is more fitting with the genre. There was a girl who had magical powers, or to be more precise she had one magical power. That was to talk with fish, but only yellow fish, and only if they were in the mood to talk. It is a little known fact but fish are the most anti social of all animals. Some people think it is bears but they are wrong, bears are really friendly the problem is they don’t know how strong they are because they don’t like to go to gyms.

But this woman, sorry, this girl had this magic ability and often she would amaze people with the stories of fish. Like where the best place to swim was, what the most delicious seaweed tasted like and what to do if you encounter yellow water. Eventually though the people in her village grew bored and so she packed her things and off she went to have an adventure.

Before she left however, an old woman she never met before stopped her and gave our brave adventurer a wheel of cheese saying,
“Greetings fair lady, there is a cheese use it when you are in trouble for it is a most magic of cheese”

Thinking that was weird she shrugged and wandered off. She climbed mountains, she crossed rivers, swam lakes, walked miles and even hitched a lift from a kind elderly gentleman called Steve. But finally she realised she was completely lost. That was when 3 bandits jumped out and said “Grrrr”
That was all they said, but they made a crude drawing in the sand indicating that she should give them all her money. She told them she had no money but it was met with blank faces. So grabbing a stick she drew a sign saying she had none. Suddenly the bandits turned mean. They even grew villain moustaches which they twirled as they approached.

Quick as a flash she remembered the old woman’s words and she grabbed the cheese. Nothing happened. So she clubbed all three to death with it.

As it turned out she was only half a mile from home and those 3 bandits had been terrorising her village. When the villagers heard she was a hero, they welcomed her back, making her queen

And they all lived happily ever after.

Until the famine 7 years later, where the whole village starved.

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About tellingfibulas

Lukewarmest thing to tip its toe into Glasgow comedy
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2 Responses to Fairy Awful

  1. Sara Hunter says:

    Love it! Lol you just made my night :)

  2. jramills says:

    How lovely :-D Did you ever read my fairy tale? http://embracetheabsurdity.wordpress.com/short-story/

    I wrote it when I was 17, and filled it with references to Red Dwarf, Blackadder, Father Ted, Monty Python, lots of other sitcoms, and to Iron Maiden, Coal Chamber, and The Bloodhound Gang.

    Then I submitted it as part of my Higher English portfolio, and had it returned as “umnarkable” but with the suggestion I read some Spike Milligan.

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